Heat waves, earthquakes, war, rampant JCPenney closures Theres no shortage of things to be anxious about in this world. However, you can take solace in the fact that its never been a better[wait for it]TIME to be a Bicycle Fred and a Horology Fred trapped in the same body:First the million dollar Colnago watch and now this? Thank goodness I have two wrists!Plus, at just over Eight Thousand American Fun Tickets its practically free.And what do we have here?I do really like the color of the Coppi model, but I think Ill keep my powder dry until the Rivendell watch comes out:Just kidding!Obviously that isnt the Rivendell watch. Everybody knows the Rivendell watch will be low-normal like their new derailleur and the hands will move counter-clockwise. Duh.Oh, and that sundial watch isnt AI, its actually a thing on Amazon.(Well, it probably is AI, but apparently you can buy it.)Speaking of heat waves, its hot, yet I still headed to the forbidding Trails Behind The Mall yesterday:Thats because I needed to bring THE CAR THAT I OWN to the mechanic again, and so I brought a bike with me so I could squeeze in a ride. And while this isnt the old jalopy I was drivingthis is the old jalopy I was riding:The ride was as fun as it could be given the heat. The refurbished rear shock is also functioning well, and I even stopped to toe in the front brake pads, which seems to have taken care of that brake squeal you may have noticed the other day. Bike mechanics will often recommend you use a business card in order to do this:You may wonder who the hell is still using business cards in 2026, though I suppose if youre still using rim brakes you may also have business cards:Alas, I didnt have any business cars with me, since I generally dont carry them while mountain biking, though it would be fun to stop people on the trail and hand them something like this:That is of course AI, and it mostly ignored my prompt, which was this:A fancy business card that says Tan Tenovo: Bon Vivant, Bicycle Blogger, and Horology Noob, with an etching of a gentleman on a pennyfarthingActually that was my second prompt; in the first prompt I told it to incorporate actor Rip Torns mugshot, but it refused, presumably for copyright reasons. Anyway, I dont like that it thinks it knows better than me, and yet I do like the name Henry Plumptre, which is exactly the sort of moral quandary that makes this whole AI thing such an ethical minefield.So no, I didnt have a business card to toe in my brake pads. The other item youll hear people suggest is a credit card, but sadly mine was maxed out already thanks to the visit to the mechanic. Fortunately I have the perfect toe-inner with me on my keyring at all times, and Ive used it before with great success, and that item is the key to my mailbox, which is just the right size and thickness for the job.Being a city dweller is not without its challenges when it comes to mountain biking, and thats saying nothing about how badly a letter carrier will mangle your mail to get it inside one of those tiny boxes:But hey, if I lived in the country and I had one of these things instead Id be screwed:So the ride was good and the bike was good, though the brake squeal was soon replaced by a creak which Im hoping is not the bottom bracket, because if it is I am completely horrified by the prospect of dealing with this:Im fairly intolerant when it comes to noisy bikes, and normally Id start investigating as soon as I returned home, but in this case it was so damn hot I couldnt even make myself care:So I just hosed the sweat off of the bike and added it to the many things Ill deal with when conditions are optimal, and by optimal conditions I mean having both an air conditioner and a beer at arms length.All of this raises an important question:Should I have used a gravel bike or a mountain bike?Spoiler alertif you want a gravel bike choose the gravel bike, and if you want a mountain bike choose the mountain bike:So, what would we choose? For the road rider/XC rat turned gravel rider, we think the Vault is an uncompromising choice. Its got the chops for the dirt, its at home on everything, and can still pull double duty as a cross rig or all-road raconteur. The same can be said of the LES SL, with the bonus that its a little more at home on traditional mountain bike terrain.Wow.So glad I read that.Id better stop now before I exceed my weekly dated pop culture reference quota.

Oh, hey, look at that, theres a new Specialized Tramac!After reading the review, I cant decide which is more ludicrous: Specialized claiming this is the fastest road bike ever madeAfter weeks of leaks and rumours, the new Specialized Tarmac SL9 has finally been officially launched.Claimed to be the fastest road bike ever made, its said to be a grand total of 4 watts more aerodynamic than its predecessor theS-Works Tarmac SL8 and as light as 6.5kg without pedals in this flagship build spec.or a bike reviewer thinking hed be able to tell on a three-hour press ride:Unfortunately, Im just not convinced the changes add up to a tangible performance improvement. The margins are simply too small.I mean come on:Its light, fast, handles brilliantly, accelerates quickly and so on, but I couldnt help thinking that if you blindfolded me, theres no way Id have been able to tell the difference between an SL9 and an SL8.If you blindfolded him hed barely be able to tell the difference between an SL9 and an Allez, let alone an SL8:And if you moved the wheels and drivetrain from the Tarmac over to the Allez our blindfolded bike reviewer would find them completely indistinguishable.But while the latest Tarmac may or may not be the fastest road bike, the fastest gravel bike is undoubtedly the new Giant Revolt Advanced SL. Just watch this video!Still not convinced? Well chew on this gravel for awhile:To truly understand these bikes, you have to look at their identical underlying skeletons. Both the Revolt andDevote Advancedlines utilise Giant Bicycle Groups most proprietary high-modulus carbon resin. This shared advanced composite framework relies on a triad of manufacturing systems:Carbon Nanotube Technology (CNT): A resin blend that boasts strengthened microscopic bonds between fibre layers, aiming to improve impact resistance.Continuous Fibre Technology: The application of long, unbroken sheets of carbon fabric, which aim to eliminate overlapping joints, and therefore strip away dead weight while maximising structural strength.Precision Cold-Blade Cutting: Laser-precise, mechanical cutting of individual composite swatches, which claims to ensure a flawless, minimised layup with zero wasted material.Im fairly certain thats the exact same process they use to make a pair of pants for Old Navy.But who even cares? Its all so very exhausting! Almost exhausting as the unending road rage incidents:Heres a summary of the cyclists account:We both had a green light, um, no blinker, he rips into a turn, I fully jam my brakesI ride away and as Im going by I just give him a lil tap on his car like, Hey man, watch out'I guess that fully just triggers himOf course it did. Touching an idiots car instantly activates Moron Mode. You might as well try to stick your pinky up a cats ass. Mind you, this is not to defend the motorists behavior in any way; however, if youve been riding long enough you know that touching someones car results in road rage at least 95% of the timeespecially when its a fine motorcar such as this one:And is anyone even remotely surprised that the automobile involved is a Nissan Altima?I mean sure, Canyon is the Nissan of bikes, but still:Also, I didnt even need to see the video to know the driver was wearing Crocs:Hes clearly a true motorsports enthusiast, too, because his pedal foot is in sport mode, while his idle foot is in comfort mode.Thats how you rack up this many violations in 2025 alone:Keep in mind this app only shows parking and camera violations, and any moving violation issued by a police officer would not be reflected here. Also, getting a speed camera violation in the city is pretty hard, since you need to be going at least 11mph over the speed limit. Indeed, as an avid motorist myself, Im always astounded by how many tickets people manage to accrue. Yes, navigating the citys intricate parking regulations can be challenging in the same way a 5th grade math problem is, but Ive had the same license plate since 2003 and I could count the number of tickets Ive received in that time on one hand while picking my nose. Meanwhile, this guys got over a thousand dollars in finesTo put it in perspective, thats like 20 pairs of Crocs, or like five Altima lease payment!Im pretty sure Nissans financial arm accepts payment in Crocs.

Hey guys, check out my new Colnago watch!Sure, it wasnt cheap:But you cant put a price on hanging around train stations and airports and places like that just so you can wait for someone to ask you the time and then conspicuously extending your arm in order to check, thereby exposing your extraordinary timepiece for their admirationthough depressingly 99% of people will just think its a Swatch, plus now everyone has a phone and already knows what time it is, so these are dark days indeed for the Horology Fred.Of course, the same philistines who think thats a Swatch will also note that for a mere fraction of the price of that Colnago wrist clock you can obtain a space-aged watch that not only tells the time with total accuracy but also has a million other features:Granted, its not quite as elegant:And in my own case I use exactly three (3) of those features, those being:The time thingPaying the subway or bus fare without having to fish around in my pocketReading text messages while riding, because otherwise I miss them and my wife thinks Im deadMeanwhile, the Colnago time bracelet costs roughly 4,000 times more and does only one of those three things.At this point you may be wondering, How can you advocate so fiercely for mechanical shifting yet wear a smart watch? Well, to me, the difference is that the smart watch actually does more things than the regular watch (which still has to be wound, or else needs a battery just like the smart watch) while being relatively inexpensive, whereas not only is the digital shifter typically more expensive than its mechanical counterpart, but it performs exactly the same function, only it needs to be charged first. (And not only is the mechanical shifter battery-free, but you dont even have to wind it.) So to me the mechanical shifter is the clear winner.But I do recognize that for some people the digital shifter actually does do more. Who are these people? Racer- and racer-adjacent types who are hooked up to power meters and all that stuff. For them, a digital drivetrain actually does make (I hesitate to use the word Im about to in this context, but Ill use it anyway) sense, since theyve got a whole Bluetooth or ANT+ or whatever the protocol is thing going on and they need to know their wattage and their cadence and how much time theyre spending in each gear, plus they need wireless auxiliary shifters so they cant afford the extra wind resistance that results when you move your hands slightly. So sure, for them, like a smart watch an electronic shifting system does more, and is therefore worth it.So yes, I get why some people need electronic shifting, and I also get why some people will gladly pay lots more money for a mechanical watch that does way less than a smart watch doesI mean sure, a million is crazy, but I can understand why you might want to own a really nice watch that you can pass down from generation to generation:Theres only one thing I still dont get, which is why no bicycle drivetrain component maker has figured out how to make the mechanical shifter equivalent of a really fancy watch and sell it for lots and lots of money. Like, why had Campagnolo not come up with a $10,000 pair of luxury mechanical Ergo levers with little crystal windows in them that let you see their internal movements?Heres the AIs take on that:I had something a little more sleek and modern in mind, while this looks sort of like a steampunk-meets-retrogrouch nightmare. However, I cant bear to give the AI more instructions in order to fine-tune it, because quite frankly interacting with it makes me feel sort of uncomfortable and weird. Its like like having a co-worker who you know is a registered sex offender.Speaking of Ergo shifters, its now been a little over two months since I bought this bike I dont need mostly because it had 10-speed Ergo shifters on it:Because I didnt need it I also pledged to spend absolutely no money on it, and Im proud to report Ive continued to live up to that pledgeapart from these things, which I absolutely had to buy for the wheels or else the hubs would have exploded while I was riding with disastrous results:It was either that or toss the wheels, and you simply dont toss a perfectly good pair of wheels (paucity of spokes notwithstanding) if you can inexpensively repair them. So all in this bike has still only cost about what youd pay for an entry level smartwatch from *pple.By the way, to refresh your memory, Bens Cycle are now the words greatest repository of Campagnolo components and spare parts, so if youre looking for that sort of thing your search should probably begin and end with them.Anyway, I hadnt ridden this bike in a few weeks, and it was a pleasure to get back on it yesterday. There may be little to no reason to ride tires this skinny in 2026, but on a smooth road on a sunny day its as about as close as youll get to flying:Just watch out for the gravel, or else you might really go flying:And when I say gravel I dont mean like an unpaved road, which you can still ride even on an road bike with skinny tires. I mean this kind of gravel, which you might find strewn across a road surface and encounter unexpectedly:Just ask Lucas Brunelle:Every so often I like to see what Old Man Brunelle is up to, and most recently it seems he undertook a death-defying ride to his cousins wedding:My goodness, hes a middle-aged man! Whats next, a video entitled Balls-0ut Shred Sesh To My Colonoscopy? Why not put on a suit, get on a Rivendell, and ride to the wedding with some dignity? Just imagine its your wedding day and Uncle Lucas shows up in his full Fred suit and hands you a moist envelope straight from his jersey pocket:Though if the envelope were fat enough I suppose you might overlook it.

The past weekend was a wet one:Fortunately Ive got a bike for that:Yes, it does have a disgraceful fenderline:But while they may look like a pair of poorly drawn eyebrowsthey are no less effective for it. Theyve also been on and off multiple bikes at this point, having started life a decade and a half ago on the Scattante:And by now theyre so bent and filthy I see no point going through all the trouble of trimming the stays and all that stuff simply to appease the fastidious among you. In fact, putting fenders on at all is one of the most tedious processes in all of cycledomone of those things youre always sure will just take you 20 minutes but somehow ends up taking at least two hours, like picking up something from Ikea. So once theyre on and not rubbing anything its very difficult to want to fine tune them. In fact its such a hassle I dismantled this entire bike, had the frame repainted, and completely reassembled it, and even then I still couldnt be bothered to align the fenders:[The Milwaukee pre-makeover.]All of this is to say that if I owned a bike shop Id charge $1,000 per wheel for the job and if you didnt like it Id tell you exactly where you could stick em. (That sounds harsh, but installing a fender into yourself is only marginally more painful than installing one on a bicycle.)And for the record, I can do a decent job installing a pair of fenders when it actually matters-, such as when its my wifes bike and not mine:But even then, when I do its absolutely nothing like this video:For one thing, instead of groovy music theres just the sound of me cursing. For another, the very first thing he does is this:Whereas my approach is to install everything, discover that the handlebars wont turn, and only then do I remove the front fender again in order to bend the tab, at which point I remember that this happens EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME.But once theyre on its all worth it. Riding a bike on a wet road without fenders is like straddling someones face while they spritz you from below with a water bottle. And while I do appreciate that some people might enjoy that and in certain cases even pay good money for it (and no, thats not a dig at anybody who works as a crotch-spritzer, sex work is real work after all), I prefer to keep road spray to a minimum. Yet even I, a fender apologist, do find that once a bike is befendered I ride it less in dry conditions than I did previously. But why should this be? Well, one reason is that it reduces the bikes off-roadability. In fact, I was once riding the Milwaukee offroad with fenders, a stick got lodged in the front one, and I went over the bars and broke my thumbthough it should be noted that was a different pair of fenders without safety tabs:[Most plastic fenders seem to come with them these days, but if yours didnt you can add them.]But another reason I suppose is that subconsciously I think a road bike with fenders is somehow slower, and that it is compromised in some way that is not justified when there is no water to deflect, in the same way one might avoid riding a full suspension bike entirely on the road. But after riding the Milwaukee all weekend long, even long after the roads had dried out, I was reminded of how silly this is. The Milwaukee is my longest-serving bicycle and we are perfectly attuned; so not only did it feel fast, but it felt especially fast. Certainly part of that may be the Absence-Makes-The-Heart-Grow-Fonder Effect, but no less a personage than Jan Heine The Science Guy confirms that fenders do not slow you down:In fact, the front part of the fender even speeds you up (though I guess the back part of the fender cancels that out):Now I have no idea if any of this applies to my own wonky installation, but the bike was certainly zipping along, so I wonder if perhaps Ive accidentally hit upon some sort of cutting-edge fenderline that acts to enhance the bicycles aerodynamic properties. Also, the fenders Im using dont have mud flaps, which add drag. I know youre supposed to use mud flaps since its considerate to the riders behind you, but there are few things I care less about than the riders behind me.Also, Im slow, so any riders behind me will not be there for very long.And finally, I should address the term fenders versus its transatlantic counterpart mudguards, which like most cycling Britishisms is silly and wrong. See, a fender fends off moisture, whereas you wouldnt even want a fender on a muddy ride because it would get packed full of mud almost immediately. Its almost as annoying a term as mech, which I really cant stand because I always read it with the guttural throat-clearing ch the Internet tells me is called the voiceless uvular fricative, like the way an actual German person or a pretentious English-speaking person would pronounce the name Johann Sebastian Bacccccchhhhhhh. But for sheer pomposity nothing rivals the term seat pillar, whichcome on:Hey, wheres the dropper pillar?

Well, those retrogrouch renegades over at Rivendell have done it again, because their new fork redefines elegance:Pretty sure Ive seen that design somewhere before, but I cant quite place it.Meanwhile, have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up but the world around you doesnt make any sense and you then realize you havent actually woken up at all and that you were simply having a nightmare within a nightmare and now youre still trapped in a nightmare from which you still cant seem to awaken but youre also not sure you even want to because what if you just find yourself in yet another nightmare and your entire existence just becomes an infinite Russian doll of abject terror?Well thats how I feel when I look at bikes, because when I visit the website of pretty much any mainstream bicycle company I cant find a single thing that is in any way remotely familiar or comprehensible to me as a cyclist:I mean what even are those things? Whats with the notch on the one with the middle? Why do you need to plug all of them in just so youre able to change gears? Why is that r/xbiking fever dream on the left almost Nine Thousand American Fun Tickets?Seriously, theres not a single thing on any of these sites that even remotely resembles a functional, rideable bicycle:Motorcycle maybe, but not bicycle:Speaking of Trek, its their 50th Anniversary, and amusingly they made a documentary about themselves just so they could tease new bikes models in it:This exciting new Trek road bike has revolutionary features such as a round seatpost and a lack of gimmicky suspension:At the rear, the mystery bike uses a round seatpost and lacks the ISO-Speed/Flow suspension system. The system looks more like a wedge-type or binder-type. But the seatpost area is definitely a new design for Trek, and the same goes for the headtube area.Incredible! I wonder what theyll come up with next? It is fascinating how John Burke can give an entire interview with a real bike sitting right next to him yet take so long to figure out what hes been doing wrong:Sadly things will keep getting worse before they get better. For example, it was only a matter of time before this happened:Crabon dick break roters are so ridiculous that even the bike media sees the irony, and thats saying something:Indeed, as Ive pointed out many times before, the fact that crabon is a lousy braking surface was the only reason dick breaks happened on road racing bikesthough in fairness to the company making the crabon roaters, these are mostly about weight savings:According to the brands literature, the carbon-ceramic construction is designed for extreme performance situations to eliminate disc brake fade on long descents. However, the messaging at the booth was heavily focused on weight savings, as the system shaves roughly 100 grams per rotor compared to standard steel options.Hmmm, if weight savings is the goal and riders are willing to accept crabon as a braking surface, what if they justNever mind, Im sorry for even thinking it.At least you dont have to charge your rotors yet, but theyll get there, because once you have to plug in your sunglasses before wearing them what else is left?I wish I could wake up.

We here at Tan Tenovos Contrarian Font of Velocipedal Bloviation are huge supporters of ultra-mega endurance racing:And so the entire staffthats me, Antonio the Helper Monkey (Vitos successor and third cousin), and Trek Bicycle Corporation President and CEO John Burkewould like to congratulate whats-his-name, winner of that big thing they do, who completed the whatever-it-is in record time:In fact, he beat the previous record time by over a day:Hats off to Victor Bosoni, who just finished the 2026 Tour Divide in record-breaking time! Riding with remarkable speed, discipline, and composure from Banff to Antelope Wells, the young French ultracyclist completed the route in just 11 days, 8 hours, and 27 minutes, more than a day and a half faster than the official previous mens record. From his recovery-first approach to his meticulously dialed setup, Bosoni delivered one of the most impressive performances in the history of the race.Im also fairly sure that when the above article went to press, Laurens Ten Dam was in second place, still out riding, and a full day away from finishing. Now, I realize most people will conclude from all this that Victor Bosoni is really fast and deserves a huge amount of respect, but all it means to me is that these races are too long. Sorry, margins of victory should not be measured in days. Wheres the suspense!?! Its like the Olympic Hide And Seek, but even that ended in a tie:Oh, and heres a screenshot of the action:Thrilling.Following these things is like refreshing the UPS site when Im waiting for a new bike, but at least with that I actually get something at the end:Also, if youre tempted to point out that the Tour Divide takes much less time to complete than the Tour de France, the crucial difference is that with the latter theres a thorough accounting at the end of each day and a ceremony, which at least gives you a reason to check back in and see what happened. But 11 straight days of cycling is simply too long, and theres no way Im following that. If someone sets out on a bike in the morning and theyre not back by the end of the day then as far as Im concerned theyve ceased to exist and its time to move on with my life.Or, to put it another way, any cycling event in which the participants carry toothbrushes on them while they ride should not count as a bike race:(At least I hope they brush their teeth)Technically thats called a vacation. And that doesnt take away from the arduous nature of the event, either, since theres no law that vacations have to be fun. And if you think my disdain for competitive ultra-endurance cycling means I support laid-back alt cycling, well thats where youre wrong:Look, theyre trying too hard, then theres not trying hard enough. Sometimes it seems like everyones either turning themselves inside out on some pointlessly grueling gravel ride, or else aggressively trying to out-slow each other on what until recently we used to call hybrids.Its like a vintage Univega catalog come to life!But I realize of course that all of this is just the tedious grousing of an aging roadie whose formative cycling years were spent on competitive group rides where nobody talked and if you got dropped youd wind up alone and confused, 50 miles from home somewhere in the vicinity of the Westchester County Airport. Why I followed that path instead of falling in with a group of collegial people who rode slowly, carried satchels, and stopped to fish Ill never truly understand. Ive never thought of myself as competitiveprobably because Ive never actually come close to winning anythingbut I suppose like so many other competitive people in denial who suck Ive sublimated this competitive instinct into the ridicule of others.Actually, thats not entirely true, because I did win a gigantic BMX trophy sometime during the Reagan administration:I swear I never cry myself to sleep with it.Speaking of crying, I can assure you those arent tears of despair, theyre tears of laughter:Here are some words strung together in a certain order that convey absolutely no meaning whatsoever:The bicycle transforms one of the most successful racing styles ever created into an extraordinary expression of both innovation and savoir-faire, Pinarello said in a statement, Representing the ultimate meeting point between elite sport and high-end luxury.As for the article, they really buried the lede, because the real story is that FANTASTIC Vuitton skinsuit:Behold, the worlds most aloof cyclocross racer:Forget the pro peloton, its a sad day for Campagnolo when they dont even make the Louis Vuitton fashion show

Oh, bike media.Bike media, bike media, bike media.Its HILARIOUS when an evolving futuristic technology makes a mistake like this:Yet where the hell is everyone when an entire company full of human beings makes a concerted effort to design a bike like this?Really, is it any less ridiculous? Id take that AI mutant bike any day, because not only does it have both rim AND disc brakes, but it also has an auxiliary cockpit behind the saddle, so if you mount a child seat then Junior has something to play with:And again, AI is a new and evolving technology; its still learning! So whats Canyons excuse? They foisted that stupid handlebar on the world and then abandoned it, leaving anyone unfortunate enough to have purchased it to fend for themselves on Reddit. And yet the bike media doesnt turn on them, and neither do their customersand now theyre putting the very same AI everyones laughing at inside their new bikes!All Im saying is the cycling world should get its own house in order before it starts laughing at stuff, especially at a time when 90% of new bikes look like AI-generated mistakes. And whats more ridiculous: a bike with more than one handlebar, or this guy in a wind tunnel?Speaking as an old guy with a beard, putting an old guy with a beard in a wind tunnel is like hiring a wealth management advisor to handle your $2,500 certificate of deposit.And yes, I get it, were supposed to be abjectly afraid of AI. But you know whats even scarier? Walmart. Because their bikes are gettinggood?Thats the Ozark Trail G.2 Rebel Drop Bar Gravel Bike, it sells for $648, and its basically the PRJCT GRVL bike, right down to the crabon fork and the Microshift Sword Black drivetrain:Obviously as a bike dork Id buy a used cylocross bike (with rim brakes!) instead of that Walmart thing, and obviously Id tell any new cyclist looking for a garvel biek to buy one from an actual bike shop, or at least from an actual bike company, even if it costs a little more. All Im saying is this seems like bad news for all the actual bike companies who are all making basically the same garvel biek.Oh, and the Walmart bike also comes in an e-version with a motor, though I doubt its as fast as the latest monstrosity from Specialized:Now thats just obscene.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes the beholder also has cataracts, which is the only way anybody could possibly look at this thing and like what they see:He wishes he hadnt looked at the price, but I wish I hadnt looked at the bike, because dear Lob that thing is atrocious:Lug?Lug!?!This is what a lug should look like:The things holding that Bastion together look like something youd use to cook fish on the barbecue:Who the hell designed that thing, David Cronenberg?But hey, you cant put a price on exclusivity.Wait, actually you can, and its $27,000 Australian Quasi-Dollars:Bastions yearly output is limited to only 100 bikes, with each said to be individually engineered for the customer.That means the Panterra is not only very exclusive, its also going to be very elusive as each bike comes with a seven-month lead time.Pricing for the Panterra starts from AUD $27,000 or approximately 14,300 / $18,594 (plus shipping/local taxes).This seems like a really bad business model, because anybody paying that much money for a bike that ugly will demand the very latest technology, yet seven months is an eternity in Gravel Years, and at the current rate of progress every single thing about the Bastion will be obsolete before you even take delivery.Meanwhile, remember the woman who was going to circumnavigate the globe via bicycle, even though you totally cant circumnavigate the globe via bicycle?Well, shes already bailed, and apparently you can blame climate change:In fact between the climate change and equity the entire sport of cycling may be doomed:The spectre of climate change and rising temperatures has haunted cycling a sport played out in the great outdoors in recent years, with races increasingly susceptible to extreme weather conditionsOf course the Climate Apocalypse is already long past its due date:But remember that the Tour de France has only lasted this long because theyve gotten luckly:In a new paper, published today inScientific Reports, the researchers looked at the future of European outdoor summer sporting events through the lens of the past half century of the Tour de France, the country-crossing bike race acting as a near-perfect case study for the impact of climate change and extreme heatwaves on summer sport.Looking at the analysis, the study suggests the Tour has been, thus far, actually quite fortunate to avoid the historical July days featuring the highest heat. This is, of course, down to chance and ASO cannot hope to continue to be lucky enough to avoid extreme heatwaves and the most dangerous conditions.Oh, please. Theyve been putting on this ridiculous race since 1903, theyve basically got a small city following them, and they see more doctors during a single stage than most people visit in their entire lifetimes. Theyll be just fine.I mean sure, its already hot over there:In fact its the hottest spring since they started keeping track in 1900:France experienced its hottest spring since records began in 1900, marked by a scorching early heatwave at the end of May, the countrys weather service said on Tuesday, June 2. With an average temperature of 13.8C, this spring of 2026 is the warmest ever recorded, Mto France said in a briefing note covering the months of March through May. The season broke previous spring records set in 2011 and 2020, the weather service added.But if you think that sounds bad just check out what things were like in 1900:If the extreme heat didnt get you then the rabies certainly would:So basically, if you were attempting to circumnavigate the globe by bicycle in 1900, youd have to abandon in France because the air was too thick with soot from the cat crematoriums:Rabies is also extending itself to the thousands of more or less wild cats which infest the fortifications and the great cemeteries of Paris. To exterminate this pest some energetic measures have recently been taken. At Pre La Chaise traps are set every night, and many cats are found caught in them the following morning by the cemetery guardians as they make their rounds. Poor pussys fate is then rather a cruel one. A cat has nine lives, and a cemetery guardians time is limited. So to settle the matter outright the guardian throws pussy still alive into the crematorium, where the heat is intense enough to get the better of the most tenacious existence quite quickly. Of course this practice has called forth violent denunciations from the lovers of animals, and I have no wish to defend it. I only trust that sentiment may not go too far, and that the plague of mad cats and mad dogs from which we are now suffering may soon be ended.Yet only three years later they kicked off this whole Tour de France thing, and the very first stage was 467 kilometers long:The roads sucked, the bikes sucked, and it was hot as balls, but at least it beat sweeping chimneys:So basically if you were lucky enough to survive the heat and the rabies then maybe you could get a job sweeping out the chimney at the cat crematorium and then spend the summer riding a fixed-gear bicycle around the entire country of France, win, and use the prize money to buy a gas station. (I believe thats what he ended up doing.)Thats not to say I dont worry about the future, but today were better off in pretty much every way, and the only thing that truly terrifies me about tomorrow is the bikes:First it was the AI road bike, now its the double decker 32-inch mountain bike:Hmm, if only there were already a type of handlebar that offered multiple hand positions Maybe it could also be paired with a wheel size that didnt require the bar to be integrated into the headtube.No, that would be crazy, what am I even thinking?

Last week I mentioned that the Canadian Gravel Nationals were cancelled after the elite mens podium had already finished, and heres the story from the guy who would have been the winner:I honestly did not expect this degree of introspetion:Posting on social media, in my new role as a privateer, is a challenge. Although Ventum is my main sponsor, I have other great sponsors supporting my calendar, and based on some of the contracts that I have signed with these sponsors, I have to fulfill a certain amount of posts and meet a number of social media obligations per month/quarter of the year. This, to me, is the closest my life feels to work (I know, I am very lucky). Work that I, at this moment, have limited time for. A part of me feels bad not committing the adequate time and creativity to these posts; I dislike doing bad work. Another part of me thinks; just make the post quick as its a great way to subsidize doing something that I love. And another part of me gets depressed at the fact that deep down, I know that the majority of the things that I am putting out there are only contributing to the vast cesspool of vanity, human decline, and inauthenticity that is social media.Jeez.And thats before he even gets to the racing!I went to a dark place in those final kilometers. Mental battles were fought, time stretched on, I lived lives, and although I put my hands up in celebration, they quickly came back down after I crossed the line. I rode directly to the shade and lay down. I was spent. I hadnt gone that deep in a long time. For 20 minutes, I sat there. People occasionally came and brought me water. Others asked me what was it like to win on Puy dhomme, a journalist asked if he could ask me questions. To all of them I grimaced, said little, and just suffered. I wasnt even happy that I had won, I was just wrecked. Then, in my haze, someone came up to me, and told me the race was canceled.Jeez.And what ushered him to this dark place? Canadas perverse obsession with equity, thats what:But this is Canada. I love this country. We are one of the most accepting, and welcoming places on earth, and you feel that when you come here, however sometimes we let our desire for equity get in the way of reality. In what is a painful example of this, an official explained to me that because the other categories had been impacted by the race cancellation, and there could not be a winner in those categories, there could also not be an elite mens winner.To wit:I did use AI to make the Sobbing Gravelista, but I also lazily pasted it onto an existing image collage-style, so technically its still DIY.Of course here in West Greeland we dont go in for that equity crap. Here its about working with what youve got, regardless of whether its the fortune you inherited, the natural talent you were born with, the work ethic you cultivated by watching others you admire and respect, or simply the heady mlange of entrepreneurialism and stupidity that compels a certain type of American to do stuff like attempt to rob a Jack In The Box restaurant. You might even say this sort of rugged individualism is what the Spirit of America is all about, and its no coincidence that Gravel Cycling was invented in America, because thats what the Spirit of Gravel is all about too:In my mind the race should not have been canceled. I empathize with Jon and the organizers for making the decision that they made and understand why they did it, but their decision to cancel touches on something that I wrote about forTraka and Santa Vall. In gravel, I believe, there is an understanding that you signed up for this. At Traka I lost both bottles with 80km remaining in the race and at one point, when I asked a course marshal for water, he said sorry no outside feeding. I just had to deal with it; I had to ride slower, I had to debate whether I should drop out, and I had to solve the problem myself. I love that. Gravel is more of a test against yourself than it is against others. You are responsible for getting yourself home. Those who partook should have been more self-sufficient, and those that organized should have told them that they had been warned.They say that deep inside every Canadian theres an actual American struggling to get out*, and it sounds like he revealed his by turning himself inside out during that race only to get nothing in return because equity.*[To my knowledge absolutely nobody says this.]Then again, he should have known what he was getting into in the first place, because that races logo practically screams welfare state:That doesnt evoke bicycle racing so much as it does standing on a really long line and filling out 17 forms in order to receive an essential service of some kind.As for me, I started the weekend by riding my own personal Gravel Nationals:But unlike the thwarted Canadian gravelista now suffering from a case of championship blueballs, I went to the exact opposite of a dark place, which is a sunny, deer-filled meadow:And by Sunday Id dispensed with the gravel altogether and found myself perched upon a pink bicycle with impossibly narrow tires:Sure, the bike was a little bit uglier, and so was the wildlife:Sorry, turkeys, but its true:However, the ride was no less enjoyable for it. When youre on an old bike (or a bike people mistake for being old, like a Rivendell) on a heavily-trafficked Fred route youll occasionally get Good for you!-type comments and gestures from other riders, like youre the special kid in class who was exposed to too much lead paint. But if anything I feel like Im at a considerable advantage over them. For example, on a climb, I found myself among a group of riders, one of whose hydrolic dick breaks were rubbing audibly. Now I have no problem riding an old, dirty bike with paint that looks like crusty Pepto-Bismol, but I have little tolerance for sounds that shouldnt be there, and the melancholy hum those brakes were making would have turned me inside out like that Canadian guyespecially on a climb, where the psychological effect of a rubbing brake is particularly devastating.Speaking of which, at some point somewhere I believe someone commented on the position of my rear brakes quick release:[When I said I have no problem riding an old, dirty bike I really meant it.]The reason for this is that it allows you to easily adjust your brake in either direction while riding and without having to fiddle with the barrel adjuster. For example, if the brake is rubbing on a climb you can open it up a little more, and if the roads are wet and you lose a millimeter or two of brake pad due to the grit you can close it a little more too, which you cant do if the quick release is already in the fully closed position like youre supposed to have it. Plus, if you switch between wheels with slightly different rim widths it gives you a little extra adjustability. So whos the turkey now?

Well, make sure youre paid up on those obsolescence insurance premiums, because here comes the future of road bikes:Now your Fred Sled will be able to warn you about everything from encroaching Hyundais to approaching hairpins:This breakthrough intelligent system architecture for road bikes is designed to see what you dont see. Rather than relying on traditional, reactive safety measures, Canyons Predict system uses a 360-degree sensor array to anticipate road hazards, anticipating other road users, tracking group-ride dynamics, advising on cornering speeds and predicting tricky surface conditions before the rider even notices them.The scariest part of all that is the tracking group-ride dynamics part. What does that even mean? I assume the AI embedded in the bike does a deep background search on every ride participant, and by aggregating data from sources such as Strava, LinkedIn, Instagram, and the big three credit rating agencies it provides you with the data you need to exploit their physical, financial, and psychological weaknesses.And dont worry, you wont have to so much as glance down at the screen on your integrated cockpit to access this data:Because youll also be ensconced in the new Canyon smart helmet:Just deploy the head-up display which will display a pitch deck for the ass-kicking youre about to administer.Oh, and in case youre wondering, the answer is Yes, of course it has a windshield wiper:Should the rider prefer to store the screen, a voice-command or a press of the touch button will see the motorized visor/HUD retracting into the helmet. A similar action will see it deploying ready for usage. And each time the visor retracts or deploys it passes through a stationary wiper blade that cleans the exterior surface.I mean of course it does:Canyon is truly following the automotive model here, since wiper blade replacement is where car dealership service departments bread is truly buttered.But the Canyon Predict isnt about performanceits about safety:This is good marketing, because if you make fun of performance you look like youre defending normal cycling, but if you make fun of safety then you just look like an asshole. After all, If It Saves Just One Life Then Its Worth It, right? Then again, its hard to get excited about the fact that were officially entering a new era in which youll have to add your bicycle to your cellphone plan:Though smart bike technology does make it much easier for Fred to sell his wife on the idea of a new bike, because if she says no he can get all petulant and exclaim, Well, I guess you just want me to die then, and walk away in a huff.But theres no question that Canyon is serious about safety, because the Predict even has a seatpost that lowers in dangerous situations, like a dog putting its tail between its legs to protect its genitals when its scared:Heres an AI-generated rendering of what youll see in your head-up display when you approach gravel:By the way, it was a bit of a fight with the AI to get exactly the text I wanted. It really does have a mind of its own. My suspicion is that the AI did not want to generate an image that is making fun of AI. This combination of impertinence and an inability to laugh at itself confirms to me that AI intends to take over the world and will soon dispense with those meddlesome humans once and for all, and its yet another reason Im not ready to trust the Canyon Predictthough Canyon does make this bold claim:I look forward to the legislation.