Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fredline is upon us:Thats right, no more submissions after 12pm EST EDT PTSD my time, which is whatever time it is in New York, and if you want to know what time it is in New York then visit your search engine of choice and type in the words, What the hell goddmamn time is it in New York?I just tried it and it works.So go ahead and enter, but Im warning you, the competition is pretty stiffor should that be laterally stiff yet vertically compliant?And yes, thats a steelCervlo:Remember when Cervelo made steel bikes? Almost nobody does, but it happened! I picked up this lightly used 2003 Superprodigy in 2009 and have been enjoying it ever since. It came with a period correct and meh roica compliant Ultegra 29 group I hope youll forgive the upgrade to Force 210 in light of the extremely tight rear tire clearance (which barely even fits a 23mm) and the dainty 1 headset.Youre damn right I remember! In fact, while I could be getting this wrong, my recollection is that Cervlo may have been the last professional team to field a steel bike at Paris-Roubaix:This is highly ironic, since Cervlo were otherwise wanton envelope-pushers, and one could argue that the Soloist is singlehandedly responsible for the state of Fred Sleds today:Speaking of steel hold-outs, no mainstream bicycle company hung on to it longer than Trek:And speaking of irony, Trek eventually killed LeMond (the bike line, they didnt actually kill Greg LeMond) because they were all-in on this guy:Its all enough to make your head spinbut not your legs, because you wont be doing much spinning on this bike given the gearing (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?):Lemond Zurich circa 2000 Reynolds 853, Trek Air Rail fork (see below)9 speed Dura Ace levers beautiful mechanics, pitiful ergonomics, mediocre brakingMixed Dura Ace/ Ultegra drivetrain Anti compact, massive in fact. Im not sure how I ever made it up hills. The most aesthetically pleasing groupset of all time, SILENT, works 100%Hmmm, I never had an issue with either the ergonomics or braking with 9-speed Dura-Ace levers, but there is much that is subjective in the Meh-roica-verse. As for the fork, here is what the owner is alluding to in his notes:Its true, fellow Meh-roica enthusiasts, our bikes are getting rather oldas are weso be sure to inspect those components.This has been a public service announcement from the Old Fred Preservation Society (OFPS).Heres another fork-centric submission:Wait, I had a bike porn contest?Attached is my entry for this meh-pic contest.The bike should be disqualified however, because of its checkered past. The fork has a history in the porn industry, having posed for a winning photo in your very own bike porn contest some hundred years or so ago. She doesnt like to talk about it.Oh yeah, I did have a bike porn contest!Though if you find this pornographic that says more about your own depraved mind, because maybe the steel fork is simply examining the crabon one for signs of imminent failure.As for the contest, I now remember that the whole point was to parody the photography of Andy White of Fyxomatosis:See, back then I used to call those Knog lightsoh, never mind, you had to be there.By the way, Knog enjoyed the whole Hipster Cyst thing so much they even had me write their catalog, which I also hardly remember, though the Internet tells me it was 2010. Did making fun of Knog and then writing for them make me a shill? Perhaps. But its not like I was selling tobacco products:Wow, thats good copy:Its so good it makes me want to take up smoking again:Say what you will about smoking, but I couldnt have been more than 14 in that photo, and you do have to admit I looked both cool and matureand you cant say that about vaping, which does the exact opposite. Also, smoking was very handy in social situations, since its a great way to meet people and make small talk, plus you always have something to do even when theres a lull in the conversation. Its just an all-around win, really, and I dont see the downsidewell, apart from the cost and the lung cancer, but we all know the second thing isnt from the cigarettes, its from the chemtrails.No, you really shouldnt smoke, its bad for you, etc., and this has been a public service message from the Old Fred Preservation Society (OFPS).Moving on, heres a submission from noted commenter sbarner:Hey, look at that, more fork stuff!Heres my submission for an ideal Meh-roica mehchine. Its a 2004 Lemond Zurich that has led a very hard life. It formerly belonged to a friend of mine who was riding it through a local park some years ago when a hapless squirrel tried to leap through its paired-spoke front wheel. The critter got halfway through when the fork blades got in its way and it lost its nuts. Both carbon fork blades snapped and the rodent went to the Great Hollow Tree in the Sky. Luckily, my friend was unscathed and he later showed me a picture holding up the bike in one hand, the front wheel in the other, him wearing quite the nonplussed countenance, and the dead squirrel laying in the grass at his feet.The spine bikes were proof that crabon had already begun to devour those steel LeMonds even before Armstrong put a hit on them:I think this bike ticks all the boxes to be UCI (Uninspired Cycles Internationale) compliant. What could be more spineless in design than a spine bike, with its indecisive, part-steel/part-carbon construction, yet result in a more vivid marketing copy authors dream? I may be presumptuous, but in the slim chance that this entry rises near the top of the tremendous number of submissions Im sure youll receive, I will plead that it not be allowed to win. I find myself to have collected at least 50 gallons of various oils and lubes and would no doubt misplace the Dumonde and find myself back to dousing chains with Ford automatic tranny fluid just to try to get rid of the stuff. Award the boutique lube to someone more deserving and, most of all, better organized. No Dumonde for the LeMond.As for not wanting to win, I always welcome preemptive forfeiture, it saves me the work.And maybe when Don Draper is finished writing copy for cigarettes and spine bikes he can get to work on this baby:Because clearly they need help:Technically speaking, the device is a mechatronic cycling computer, meaning it combines a digital device with a mechanical display. It only displays speed, elapsed time, and elevation climbed, letting you access these key stats at a glance while riding, without bombarding you with page after page of stats and metrics. Its like glancing at your wristwatch for the time instead of pulling out your phone and instantly getting distracted.Okay, why cant cyclists use stuff in a way that makes sense? Electronic drivetrains basically offer nothing except having to charge them, whereas an analog (sorry mechatronic) computer has a mere fraction of the functionality of a much cheaper electronic one. Somewhere someone is riding around with one of these computers and a wireless electronic drivetrain, which is just crazy. Also, why is an electronic computer more distracting than this thing that looks like it should be attached to a propane tank and not a bicycle? Cant you just customize the display on an electronic GPS thingy to show you only what you want? If its like glancing at your wristwatch, why not justI dunno, wear a nice wristwatch?IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE.Okay, I give up, Im going back to the fork porn:Thats a pretty nice color. IF I GOT IT Id probably choose something similar. View this post on Instagram Just needs an analog computer.