We here at Tan Tenovos Contrarian Font of Velocipedal Bloviation are huge supporters of ultra-mega endurance racing:And so the entire staffthats me, Antonio the Helper Monkey (Vitos successor and third cousin), and Trek Bicycle Corporation President and CEO John Burkewould like to congratulate whats-his-name, winner of that big thing they do, who completed the whatever-it-is in record time:In fact, he beat the previous record time by over a day:Hats off to Victor Bosoni, who just finished the 2026 Tour Divide in record-breaking time! Riding with remarkable speed, discipline, and composure from Banff to Antelope Wells, the young French ultracyclist completed the route in just 11 days, 8 hours, and 27 minutes, more than a day and a half faster than the official previous mens record. From his recovery-first approach to his meticulously dialed setup, Bosoni delivered one of the most impressive performances in the history of the race.Im also fairly sure that when the above article went to press, Laurens Ten Dam was in second place, still out riding, and a full day away from finishing. Now, I realize most people will conclude from all this that Victor Bosoni is really fast and deserves a huge amount of respect, but all it means to me is that these races are too long. Sorry, margins of victory should not be measured in days. Wheres the suspense!?! Its like the Olympic Hide And Seek, but even that ended in a tie:Oh, and heres a screenshot of the action:Thrilling.Following these things is like refreshing the UPS site when Im waiting for a new bike, but at least with that I actually get something at the end:Also, if youre tempted to point out that the Tour Divide takes much less time to complete than the Tour de France, the crucial difference is that with the latter theres a thorough accounting at the end of each day and a ceremony, which at least gives you a reason to check back in and see what happened. But 11 straight days of cycling is simply too long, and theres no way Im following that. If someone sets out on a bike in the morning and theyre not back by the end of the day then as far as Im concerned theyve ceased to exist and its time to move on with my life.Or, to put it another way, any cycling event in which the participants carry toothbrushes on them while they ride should not count as a bike race:(At least I hope they brush their teeth)Technically thats called a vacation. And that doesnt take away from the arduous nature of the event, either, since theres no law that vacations have to be fun. And if you think my disdain for competitive ultra-endurance cycling means I support laid-back alt cycling, well thats where youre wrong:Look, theyre trying too hard, then theres not trying hard enough. Sometimes it seems like everyones either turning themselves inside out on some pointlessly grueling gravel ride, or else aggressively trying to out-slow each other on what until recently we used to call hybrids.Its like a vintage Univega catalog come to life!But I realize of course that all of this is just the tedious grousing of an aging roadie whose formative cycling years were spent on competitive group rides where nobody talked and if you got dropped youd wind up alone and confused, 50 miles from home somewhere in the vicinity of the Westchester County Airport. Why I followed that path instead of falling in with a group of collegial people who rode slowly, carried satchels, and stopped to fish Ill never truly understand. Ive never thought of myself as competitiveprobably because Ive never actually come close to winning anythingbut I suppose like so many other competitive people in denial who suck Ive sublimated this competitive instinct into the ridicule of others.Actually, thats not entirely true, because I did win a gigantic BMX trophy sometime during the Reagan administration:I swear I never cry myself to sleep with it.Speaking of crying, I can assure you those arent tears of despair, theyre tears of laughter:Here are some words strung together in a certain order that convey absolutely no meaning whatsoever:The bicycle transforms one of the most successful racing styles ever created into an extraordinary expression of both innovation and savoir-faire, Pinarello said in a statement, Representing the ultimate meeting point between elite sport and high-end luxury.As for the article, they really buried the lede, because the real story is that FANTASTIC Vuitton skinsuit:Behold, the worlds most aloof cyclocross racer:Forget the pro peloton, its a sad day for Campagnolo when they dont even make the Louis Vuitton fashion show